Roz-like Confidence

the difference between exuding and possessing confidence in a culture craving one while promoting the other

When I was in middle school I told my Grammar teacher that I wanted to be the President someday. ( side note, I feel like “nerds” are always stereotyped as being good at math or science- two subjects I was not exactly gifted in. But, in every sense of the word, I was nerdy as hell when it comes to Grammar. It sends a sharp pang through my soul anytime someone uses “then” instead of “than” and one of my favorite activities to this day is diagramming sentences.) Anyway, back to it…braces wearing me declaring emphatically that I wanted to be THE President someday…hilarious because I find politics deeply confusing and I hate conflict. Once the laughing subsides, however,  I’m so moved by the image of little me in a catholic school uniform with SpongeBob SquarePants shoe laces from Hot Topic strewn through my sneakers believing in myself with such wild abandon. I wasn’t like, “I’m gonna be the first FEMALE president!”…. I wasn’t even considering that there would be barriers for me based on gender let alone contemplating all the skillsets and interests I lacked to be successful in such a role. I was just unabashedly CONFIDENT. I believed in myself almost to a fault, recklessly confident one might say. At another point, my dream was to host and produce a news show with only uplifting stories and inspirational guests called “Warm Fuzzies” (hello THE ELLEN SHOW!)...this one I’ll give myself, I would’ve nailed that role. The other day I was lovingly reflecting on the scope and scale of young me’s plans…more specifically, young me’s belief in herself. I miss her. Something happened to her and although I don’t think she’s gone I do think she is hurt and hiding with all of the other once blissfully unaware believers. 

She still exists in surges of inspiration, excitement, and ideation but older me always swoops in just when things are getting exciting to harshly reprimand her. 

“There are already hundreds of women doing exactly that. What is the point in being another clambering symbol in an already overpopulated choir?”

“There are so many people already doing that and they are WAY BETTER THAN YOU AT IT. WAY SMARTER, MORE ORGANIZED, MORE AMBITIOUS, BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT, MORE DISCIPLINED.”

“You didn’t even finish college, remember?”

“You are just saying the same thing a million people are already saying but in a less eloquent way.”

“You are UNORIGINAL. Every thought you have is just a watered down and regurgitated version of something someone profound and admirable said.”

...Yeah, I know, old me is a freaking monster, right? Glad you think so too. 

Old me views belief in myself as arrogance, irresponsibility, selfishness even (cue mom guilt). 

I know we are very much in an era of valuing self-love and confidence over humility but I think the reason we are all promoting and talking about it so much…the reason it’s flooding every social media feed, is because true confidence feels so unattainable. I think we have gotten really good at doing things to “exude confidence” but exuding confidence and possessing it are two very different things. One is a performance…the other an unmovable anchor keeping you connected to your soul. For me, being in the presence of someone who is truly confident feels like a deeply religious experience. It feels like truth and peace. Unabashedly believing in oneself as an adult is either to have fiercely protected the little you that always believed OR, even more impressively, to have reparented yourself in a way that dislodges harmful critique or neglect from the adults that were supposed to instill those beliefs from day one. Either way, it’s a masterpiece to behold.

I have an arsenal of partially filled journals from high school and this is a common theme through them all (in addition to countless tattoo ideas that I’m delighted to not currently have on my body). I mention “Rozalin,” Ben Stiller’s mom from Meet the Fockers, more than once in various journals. Something about her was revolutionary to me as a teen. If you haven’t seen Meet the Fockers (SHAME!), Rozalin, Roz for short, is just this free, joyful, vivacious character who is not afraid to take up space in a room and be her quirky self unapologetically. Roz, for me, is an example of what possessing true confidence looks like. Watching the movie, I just remember thinking “how do you just become 100% yourself like that?”… “how do you get out of the box you’ve desperately tried to fit all of your awkward parts inside and just be?” Not only do all of my mismatched, very unpuzzle-like parts not fit into said box but I didn’t even pick out the box in the first place! One day it just very much felt like this was my assigned box and I was to stay in it and that was that. I thought Roz’s character, dancing freely outside the confines of any box, was nothing short of a miracle and whenever I’ve been around women like her in my life I’ve melted into a puddle…hoping to just osmosis my way into their soul and acquire a little bit of that freedom for myself.

I’m thinking in Roz’s character bio she didn’t have a background of heavy people-pleasing. People pleasing adds another complicated layer to it all in that it’s so hard to know if a desire is truly from your heart or your heart’s longing for approval. With every younger me dream and older me scolding of that dream also comes the anxious voice of a recovering people pleaser… “Is this what you want, or do you just think by achieving this you will finally secure the love and approval of x, y, and z?”

In that way, confidence isn’t just a possessing, it’s a deep knowing of who you are inside and out and holding to that regardless of your surroundings. I think that’s where we have to start. The answer isn’t in how we dress or speak… it’s not our posture or how well we maintain eye contact. These might be symptoms of a woman who knows herself fully and deeply but they are not the road map to getting there. The road map involves endless detours and rest stops where we examine who we are at our core and distinguish those things from who we were told to be. That journey never ends but I think we at least hop in the passenger seat with women like Roz when our desire to please, know, and honor ourselves becomes greater than our desire to please others.

To start, I’m going to profess the current dream in my heart “out loud” with you today before older me shuts it down. This simple act, to me, feels like honoring myself and leaning into what younger me would’ve done without a second thought. I would love nothing more than to own my own coffee shop someday. If I could cultivate the warmest and most welcoming space…the kind of spot where “regulars” would gravitate to and make their home away from home…where the feeling of community would envelope you as you walked through the door… I would be so fulfilled.

This dream might change over time…who knows…but I think that’s the beauty of being confident… you know yourself fully right now in this season but are also aware enough to know that who you are will evolve a million times in your life and that that’s a good and beautiful thing. Baby steps.

What are the dreams tucked in the tightest corners of your heart right now? I know you’re going to feel the urge to push them back down as you read my question but as a baby step for today I hope you share and join me on this journey of knowing yourself, honoring that woman

and ultimately possessing true Roz-like confidence.

Love,

Heather